Maybe Just Don't Invite The Loudmouthed Bullies?
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Should I warn particularly conservative guests that an annual party they attended last year has grown in size and will include a more eclectic group of people?
My husband and I hosted a last-minute holiday open house last year. Many of the attendees were generally conservative, reflecting the nature of my immediate neighborhood. This year, we planned the party well in advance, and it has doubled in size. It will include many new friends -- including gay couples, ardent liberals and a trans woman.
Several of last year's attendees are very conservative, and a couple of them can be loudmouthed bullies. They are not our close friends. Should I advise them prior to attendance that the makeup of the party will be different this year, and that they may be offended by some of the other guests?
It feels "icky," and my instinct is just to let it go and trust people to be kind and tolerant. But I worry about friction.
GENTLE READER: Rather than testing everyone's kindness and tolerance too much -- including your own tolerance for your neighbors -- Miss Manners would like to focus on a different virtue: responsibility.
A good host seeks to make her guests reasonably comfortable and welcome. Your warning will accomplish that for no one, and therefore needs to be rethought.
At the very least, Miss Manners wonders at your inviting people you believe will yell at your other guests.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was taken out to dinner in a town where I was giving a talk. My hostess parked her car using her late husband's disability parking tag, which was due to expire in a few months, and then put a service vest on her dog so she could bring him into the restaurant.
I commented that I didn't know her dog was a service animal, and she said he wasn't, but that the restaurant is not allowed to ask for proof and that he was very well-behaved. (He was, indeed, and mostly slept under the table as we ate.)
But I had a family member with a severe physical disability and know how hard the struggle was for these accommodations. For instance, someone who REALLY needed a spot closer to the restaurant missed the chance to park there. And no, a person with a service animal should not have to prove it constantly, but the practice should be trustworthy.
I wanted to say something expressing my disapproval, but I was a guest. I did mention my family member, but I don't think anything registered.
GENTLE READER: You did register your disapproval -- both by your question and your demeanor -- and you know to avoid this person in future. And you did all this without being rude yourself.
Miss Manners rates that as a greater success than putting your host in a choke hold and forcing her to move the car, given that the dog disturbed no one and the parking tag was about to expire. This may not be as satisfying as you had hoped, but when we, as a society, demand that every injustice be met with Total War, the net result is worse, not better.
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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Copyright 2025 Judith Martin
COPYRIGHT 2025 JUDITH MARTIN
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