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DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are holding a celebration of life for my 28-year-old son at an airplane hangar. I'm saying "Wear anything!" because we want it to be about celebrating his life more than mourning his death. I plan to wear white.

Do you make a distinction between funerals and celebrations of life, or do you believe mourning prevails regardless? I am not criticizing; beliefs are beliefs. I guess I'm questioning my actions at a wobbly time.

GENTLE READER: You raise an interesting question: Does a "celebration of life" require etiquette adjustments from a funeral, which it is increasingly replacing?

Funerals used to be set rituals, usually religious ones. Eulogies were given by clergy members, who were unlikely to have known the deceased as well as their relatives and friends, and could inadvertently make mistakes -- misattributing specific virtues, for example. Sometimes the eulogist was a stranger, reduced to saying things like "She loved life," as if that were a unique characteristic.

So the choice of eulogists turned to those who could speak from close knowledge, and there were more and more speeches, sometimes followed by spontaneous remarks from other mourners. This format was far more evocative of the deceased, with specific examples that rang true, rather than generalities that sometimes did not.

When such talks exceeded the ceremonial part, the event was renamed a "celebration of life." Miss Manners understands that many, perhaps most, people prefer this name. For one thing, it is a lot more cheerful.

But there are dangers.

One that many people have noticed is that not everyone is gifted at this. There are sometimes declarations of how much the deceased admired the speaker. There have been tasteless jokes and revelations, and lengthy impositions on the patience of even the most bereaved.

But there is another danger in the very premise of a celebration of life: the attempt to banish sadness. So please do not mandate cheerfulness. This loss is a tragedy, and grief should not be made to seem out of place. You may succumb to it yourself.

The American color of mourning is black, although the code is only sporadically observed (except in cases of funerals for national figures). But Miss Manners is not going to say you should not wear white -- a mourning color in other cultures -- if it makes you feel better.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am blessed with a wonderful doctor who is caring, highly intelligent, personable and who always has time for me. I thank her for her care and personal concern for me at each visit.

Is there something else I can do to show my appreciation? I am on a modest budget, but I often give gift cards (with a note) to mail carriers, janitors and other servicepeople who take pride in their work and go above and beyond their duties.

I assume my doctor would have no need for the $20 grocery gift card I usually use as a thank-you. What would you suggest?

GENTLE READER: What about giving her something priceless, which is what she has given you?

Not only would it fit your budget, but it would cost you little effort because you have already done it. Just write out the appreciation you have sent to Miss Manners and send it to your doctor.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2025 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2025 JUDITH MARTIN