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DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper response when a casual acquaintance tells you that they have been diagnosed with a very serious illness?

This is a person I have no connection to or interest in getting to know better. We merely pass each other in our building while picking up the mail or going to the parking lot.

My reply, as I was rushing to a dental appointment, was, "I'm sorry to hear that. Hope things work out for you."

What more was I expected to do or say?

GENTLE READER: Nothing. That's about it for a casual acquaintance. Many people seem to be unable to stop speaking, however, and there are many things you shouldn't say:

"My uncle Larry had the same thing and he lived to be 90."

"I'm in bad shape, too; it's my knee."

"It's a matter of positive thinking."

"Do you trust your doctor?"

"I guess we all have to go sometime."

"Have you tried changing your diet?"

And so on. The point is to offer sympathy -- because unfortunately, you have nothing else to offer.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My neighbor and I had a heated disagreement about trick-or-treating.

We are fortunate to live in a picturesque neighborhood of single-family houses, and our street is popular every Oct. 31. We often get trick-or-treaters from other areas.

Although I like having lots of kids to give treats to, my neighbor says this year, she is refusing to give candy to any "outsiders." She says these children and their parents are "mooching."

She actually hopes to get the neighborhood association to ban outsiders that night. At the very least, she will ask each child's parents to prove they live in the neighborhood.

I think this is ludicrous and against the whole spirit of the carefree holiday. She says she is just correcting poor upbringing. Is she?

GENTLE READER: More like demonstrating it.

Miss Manners is guessing that these children are in your neighborhood because it is safer than theirs -- in terms of foot traffic, at least. But apparently not in terms of kindness.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Too often, waiters interrupt conversations between restaurant customers. While I understand that restaurants are not the place to have private or intimate discussions, it is still extremely annoying to be cut off midsentence by questions from waiters that are hardly ever important.

I have tried ignoring them by continuing speaking or listening to my dinner companion to no avail; the waiters just come closer and repeat their intrusive questions. What response or behavior do you suggest in such instances?

GENTLE READER: With all due acknowledgment of the burdens placed on harried waitstaff, this should not be done. Miss Manners suggests the universal signal of wait-a-minute, which is to hold up a finger, flash a quick smile and go on talking.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son and his fiancee are insisting that my other son, as a groomsman, shave his mustache. They do not like the way it looks. Is this out of line? My groomsman son is highly offended.

GENTLE READER: Of course he is. It is highly offensive to be told that you are not acceptable as you are.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2024 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2024 JUDITH MARTIN