Joe Starkey: Steelers staging the saddest quarterback derby there ever was

PITTSBURGH — Marcus Mariota, anyone?

That would have been scintillating. Steelers offensive coordinator Arthur Smith could pair his old quarterback with Cordarrelle Patterson and run the finest read option you've ever seen — before Mariota reportedly returned to Washington on Wednesday.

I'm almost being serious. If this pitiful Steelers quarterback search was a game of musical chairs, Tom Petty's "Even The Losers" would be the appropriate background song.

This is life after Ben Roethlisberger. This is life after Mike Tomlin struck out looking on Kenny Pickett. Tomlin is 0 for 5 on Big Ben replacements and staring hard at 0 for 6. Maybe 0 for 7. There's a scenario in which he brings back two of the guys — Russell Wilson, Mason Rudolph — he already struck out on.

That's where we are. It's so bad that Antonio Brown has become one of the central reporters on the case.

"CTESPN always has it first," Brown posted, citing his "X" handle. "Deal is finalized ... Aaron Rodgers to the Steelers 2 year deal."

To be fair, the man once affectionately known as Ronald Ocean did break the Russell Wilson-to-the-Steelers story last year, or at least claimed he did. Who am I to question him? Anything seems possible. For all I know, Gardner Minshew's mustache will play quarterback for the Steelers next season.

But as I sit here at 9:45 a.m. on Wednesday morning, nothing is finalized. Tomlin & Co. apparently are waiting for Rodgers to do his own research on them.

Yes, the Steelers are sitting in the green room, so to speak, keeping company with the pathetic New York Giants in hopes that a drama queen quarterback heading into his age-42 season will call their name so they can pay him tens of millions of dollars.

"Rodgers is taking his time in deciding between the Steelers and the Giants — and perhaps retirement," reported the Post-Gazette's Ray Fittipaldo.

I'm not convinced a 43-year-old Ben Roethlisberger wouldn't be a better choice. I am convinced a 40-year-old Joe Flacco would be. The last I saw Rodgers, he was throwing for 112 yards, no touchdowns and two interceptions in a horrific December loss in Buffalo, one in which he looked like a punch-drunk boxer.

If he'd ripped off his jersey, walked off the field and quit in the middle of that game, the way Brown famously did, it actually would have made sense. The fact that Rodgers riddled the Miami Dolphins a week later didn't exactly salvage the season.

Rodgers had some nice numbers (28 touchdowns), but his best performances came in four games against the Dolphins and Patriots, and one each against the Jacksonville Jaguars and Indianapolis Colts (he also had a good one against Houston). Otherwise, he was mediocre to terrible.

I mean, did you leave that Steelers-Jets game — the one in which Rodgers threw two passes to Steelers cornerback Beanie Bishop Jr. — thinking, man, that guy would look great in black and gold?

Anyway, the Steelers apparently wanted Justin Fields to stay but had a funny way of showing it (I wouldn't have signed him either, by the way, but they said they wanted to). They benched him at 4-2, never brought him back when Wilson began to disintegrate, flirted with Wilson after the season and apparently didn't match the Jets' contract offer.

Other than that, Justin, you're our guy!

All of which apparently leaves us with Rodgers, Wilson and perhaps Rudolph and Kirk Cousins as the most logical candidates — Cousins if the Atlanta Falcons cut him. DK Pittsburgh Sports reported the Steelers' interest in Rudolph as "part of the solution" here.

What solution? This is the Island of Misfit Toys. But at least each of the four would arrive (or return) with a catch phrase.

— Cousins: "You like that?" (No, not particularly).

— Wilson: "Let's Ride!" (We already did, and there's no line for a second turn).

— Rudolph: "I'll be back!" (Is that a promise or a threat?)

— Rodgers: "Have you heard about this Chinese spy balloon?"

About that balloon, which Rodgers mentioned on the "Pat McAfee Show": "There's a lot of old papers and files about interactions Navy pilots have had with unidentified flying objects, so this is not surprising," Rodgers said. "Obviously, there was some sort of Chinese spy balloon that was up in the air, allegedly."

Which is it, Aaron, obviously or allegedly? Perhaps I failed to mention the 10-of-10 drama level that Rodgers — aka "Throw Rogan" — would bring here (credit to Bill Crawford of the Steelers flagship for that legendary nickname).

If he's not pontificating on McAfee's show, Rodgers is bolting for Egypt during mandatory minicamp, meditating in a cave somewhere (which I actually admire), ripping a receiver (hello, Mike Williams) or embarking on a trip to ayahuasca country. Maybe he'll live in the Laurel Caverns if he comes here.

I don't see any good options here. I'm not sure there were any, if we were talking about Fields, Sam Darnold or Daniel Jones before they found teams.

Wilson reportedly believed the Steelers constrained him, even cutting off his ability to change plays at the line. His camp might have leaked a story to that effect, embarrassing the organization. He also played some mindless football down the stretch, and Smith reportedly isn't a huge fan of him. Other than that, it's a perfect marriage. Or at least a perfect second marriage to the person you divorced 10 minutes ago on account of irreconcilable differences.

Cousins is the first active NFL player with a statue. Unfortunately, the statue is him. He can no longer walk and could actually lose his life with Broderick Jones on his blind side.

Rudolph just isn't very good. I guess he'd come here as a backup with a chance for more. I'm sure Jameis Winston's name will be mentioned, if it hasn't been already. Mariota's, too. Or maybe the Steelers will surprise us and make a trade. May I interest you in a gently used Kyler Murray?

There could be a silver lining here. The Steelers could bring in a short-term, broken-down quarterback with eyes on using their first- or second-round pick on a prospect. If that prospect is Jaxson Dart, I'm on board.

Meantime, the waiting game continues. Pro Football Talk's Mike Florio was throwing around numbers like $45 million per season for Rodgers, which would be patently insane.

The Giants' interest is real. ESPN's Rich Cimini told me Tuesday that Rodgers has a sprawling house in New Jersey that he recently upgraded. That works in the Giants' favor. Michael Silver reported that the Minnesota Vikings are interested in Rodgers. Brett Favre bizarrely endorsed that option.

Speaking of which, I wonder what the 55-year-old Favre is up to these days.