Friend Co-Opts Kitchen During Visits
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend, Nora, whom I have known since high school. She now lives in a nearby town, but too far to just make a visit for the day, so when we do get together, it requires a weekend stay for her and her husband.
We do get along and enjoy their visit, except for one thing. When I entertain, I like to plan all the meals, snacks, etc., and prepare them in advance so I don't spend a lot of time cooking while they are here.
However, my friend announces that she will be preparing breakfast or whatever and marches into the kitchen in spite of my telling her that I already have something prepared.
I have allowed her to do this a couple of times, but I resent that I have had to freeze a casserole or dispose of what was already prepared. To make matters worse, she is disorganized and slow and appears so helpless that her husband will come to the rescue and finish cooking whatever it is she started.
Then every bowl, dish, plate and piece of cookware is dirtied, and the kitchen is a wreck!
I have tried to politely tell her no, she is my guest and it is my pleasure to serve her, but she argues that she is trying to help and doesn't want me to do all the cooking.
The last straw was this weekend, when she announced she would be making breakfast, and I said, "No, you're not. I already have blueberry muffins." She then said, "I will just whip up some eggs." When I told her no, I would take care of breakfast, she screeched, "Well, why not?"
In exasperation, I replied because it is my kitchen. Her reply absolutely floored me when she told me that she was standing in the kitchen, so it was her kitchen, too!
So before I said something I would regret, I walked out of the kitchen. At that point, she said that we could all just go out for breakfast, which we ended up doing. Once again, I froze the batch of muffins that were intended for that morning.
How do I deal with this pushy woman who can't take no for an answer? By the way, I am a fairly decent cook, so that is not the issue.
GENTLE READER: You are going to have to set some firm rules with Nora -- and make her next visit contingent upon following them. Outline your meal plans, perhaps telling her what you are contemplating and accepting her (limited) input in advance.
Inform her that if she would like to contribute, it must be in restaurants only. Remind her that if she insists on cooking for you, you are always happy to go to her house.
Normally, Miss Manners is not so calculated about her entertaining (although overnight guests do require more explicit planning), but Nora is a feisty one. And as she seems to have a proclivity toward declaring things her own when they are in her proximity, you might want to keep a firm watch on the silver.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I invited guests to dinner. We had tons of appetizers and food and nonalcoholic drinks. One of the guests wanted wine, which I did not have. Just before sitting down to eat, they went out to buy a bottle. Do you think that was rude?
GENTLE READER: Yes. Not only because it was against your wishes, but because it caused dinner to be delayed.
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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Copyright 2025 Judith Martin
COPYRIGHT 2025 JUDITH MARTIN
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