ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I participated in a vintage train excursion. At several points in the journey, the engineer stopped the train so that people could disembark to take photos and videos.

During one photo op, some enthusiasts beside me were chatting when a pair of Spielberg wannabes rebuked them, saying, "We're trying to get sound on this shot."

Miss Manners should know that these bros had not asked for quiet before the filming began. The unfairly chastened passengers didn't say anything. I looked their way and rolled my eyes in sympathy.

Does Miss Manners agree with me that making people feel like fools is rude?

GENTLE READER: Who exactly are the fools? The people pretending that a public place is their film set, or the ones innocently trying to enjoy the experience for which they paid?

Never mind. Miss Manners knows the answer. Real life is merely scenery and footage, and the people who happen to get in the way of it, unruly extras.

But in reality, these extras were not getting paid, nor benefiting from product endorsement deals, which means the would-be cinematographers should be considerate of them -- not the other way around.

Your sympathy was warranted. And the unfairly chastened pair could have reasonably said, "We weren't aware that we were on a sound stage."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I co-hosted a small luncheon with a few retired girlfriends. The other hostess, Doris, made the entree, and I took care of the appetizers and desserts.

When she looked at my planned menu, she scolded my choices because a few of the friends were diabetic, which I had not known. (Doris has known these ladies for many years longer than I have.) And she said the rest of the friends, including Doris herself, were watching their weight.

I acknowledged her concerns, and added sugar-free pastries and fruit to my plans, alongside my homemade orange sponge cake. At the party, I made sure that all items were labeled clearly on the dessert table.

The sugar-free pastries were not touched, but my sponge cake was devoured.

Doris scolded me after the party, saying that if the cake had not been available, guests would have eaten the sugar-free options. She said tempting them wasn't polite. I responded that they are grown women and should be able to make their own decisions.

What is the correct etiquette here?

GENTLE READER: It would have been far more insulting, in Miss Manners' estimation, to have only offered sugar-free foods. This would imply that your guests could not be trusted to make their own dietary choices or to safely manage their own glucose levels.

As long as there is a variety of reasonable choices, hosts have no business monitoring those of their guests. Miss Manners has sympathy for the many restaurant chefs and dinner party hosts your friend Doris must be similarly scolding.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How does a charity organization express the fact that, while a $100 fee is being charged to attend a fundraising dinner, the actual value of the meal being served is $300? And that the balance is being absorbed by a benefactor?

GENTLE READER: By making the meal so extraordinary that your guests will be compelled to ask.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2024 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2024 JUDITH MARTIN