ArcaMax

DEAR ABBY: I've been with my husband for 19 years, and we have established a loving, stable relationship despite some very tumultuous times. I have always known he finds me attractive, and he compliments my appearance, but many times throughout our marriage, his demeanor toward me has changed if someone more attractive is around. (He repeatedly checks out women while we are on a date, or even pretends not to know me when they walk by.) He has never been unfaithful or anything like that.

He recently told me I'm "very attractive" but not beautiful, and that the women he has disrespected me over in the past were more attractive than I am. His comparisons of me vs. them are uncalled-for and embarrassing and have made me question my appearance. I'm not bothered if he finds people attractive, but to treat me poorly because of it and make distinctions between my looks and theirs makes me feel inadequate and judged.

Are my feelings normal? Isn't it understandable to feel put off, or am I nitpicking, immature and expecting too much? -- ATTRACTIVE, NOT BEAUTIFUL

DEAR ATTRACTIVE: Under the circumstances, your feelings are normal. That your husband would "pretend he doesn't know you" is beyond the pale. It's time to quit looking in the mirror and take a hard look at the person you married. From what you have written, your husband is juvenile, shallow, insensitive and not the sharpest tool in the drawer.

Your husband married you for who you are. What he has been doing is unkind and disrespectful. He shouldn't have to wear blinders, but he also should not be courting whiplash ogling women in your presence. Believe me when I say you have my sympathy.

DEAR ABBY: I moved to a small rural town and haven't made many friends yet. I recently gave up on one friend because I can't accept his behavior toward his puppy. He has always been aggressive in disciplining the pup, but in my estimation, he crossed the line. When his pup tried to bolt out the door to greet me, he started beating it and yanked on its collar.

I told my friend this was unacceptable, and I walked home. He followed me and tried to convince me it was normal to smack a puppy, yell at it and yank on the collar to discipline it. I told him I wasn't interested in being friends unless he's willing to take the pup to obedience training. He said he doesn't need to because he's raised many dogs in the past.

Was I unreasonable to insist he take his pup to obedience class as a condition of our continued friendship? -- DOG WHISPERER IN OREGON

DEAR WHISPERER: If you prefer not to be around someone who abuses animals, that is your choice, and I commend you for it. There are better ways to teach puppies how to behave, and one of them is rewarding good behavior rather than instilling fear. However, to insist that this person take his dog to obedience classes (which might be more than he can afford) may have been presumptuous.

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