ArcaMax

Dear Eric: I have a friend who I've been friends with for about 10 years. We both share views that lean left. In the past we've shared many dinners discussing the inequities of our country and other political type topics. My friend is constantly lamenting about how unfair our society is and is super empathetic to the plight of the disadvantaged, which I understand.

My friend has two homes paid off, retired early and is sitting on tons of money. She could actually be doing something with her own money to physically and financially help the underserved, but she doesn't. She's constantly on this soap box and I can't take it anymore.

I know confronting her with what I see is her own hypocrisy won't go over well. Last time we had one of these conversations, it made me super uncomfortable. I asked her why she talks to me about this so much and what purpose it served since we can't solve the world's problems. She said that "you have good ideas, maybe you'll have a solution.” Well, I do have a good idea, and it is for her to sell her second home and fund some college scholarships, pay for drug/alcohol rehab for those who want it, provide housing, used cars, day care and other things to those in need. She could single-handedly change and improve dozens of lives.

I expect my solution will go over like a ton of bricks but I'm tired of hearing about her angst when she actually has the ability to do some real good in this world instead of just talking about it. Please advise.

– Do Gooder

Dear Do Gooder: I don’t see why you can’t offer the suggestions you listed here. If you’re afraid of coming off as too dogmatic, frame them as suggestions or even find some charities or nonprofits you want to support and ask her if she’ll join you.

If you expect your solution to go over like a ton of bricks, you have nothing to lose. And, who knows, one of those bricks might lay the foundation for more charitable actions.

Dear Eric: My husband has a block, mentally, where he cannot buy flowers. I think he is willfully incompetent. It's not as if he were beaten with a bouquet or forced to eat them as a child. I tried bargaining with him to back off since I've bought my own and prefer to choose my own bouquets. But he wants/defends the job of buying them as well as the privilege of withholding them from me, which is so amazingly passive-aggressive.

He wants power. He is insane to try controlling the flowers.

I don't have time for him flopping around making mouth sounds about "wanting to" just not being smart enough to figure out the flowers in our small town. He seems bent on controlling the flowers in our home (he doesn't have allergies) while I hope in vain for him to decide to buy a poppy.

I suspect he wants an audience for the act of buying the flowers since he has literally bought me flowers less than 10 times in 30 years.

– Flower Disempowered

Dear Flower: Please make like Virginia Woolf’s character Mrs. Dalloway and buy the flowers yourself, no matter what your husband says. He does not get to tell you when and how you get flowers. And you don’t have to engage in the back and forth about it. You can even set up a regular pickup or delivery from your favorite florist, a great way of supporting a small business and bypassing his antics.

His behavior is controlling and concerning. And it’s worth asking what this is really about, because it seems things have spiraled.

Your husband may think that he is being robbed of the opportunity to give you a loving gesture when you buy the flowers yourself, but if he can’t accept that you have autonomy and your own taste and, I presume, enough vases for multiple bouquets, then there’s a bigger problem here. If he was just carping about wanting to buy them, that’s one (problematic but fixable) thing. But the withholding is something else entirely. Why is he hellbent on depriving you of joy?

Your husband should not be trying to control anything you do. It’s important to have a serious conversation during which you lay down a boundary about the flowers and anything that’s behind them. But I would also encourage you to look at other areas of your marriage and home life and evaluate them for controlling behavior, too. Even if this is isolated, it will be helpful to talk to a friend or loved one about what’s going on, to get an outside view and support, if needed.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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