Row, row, row my seat swiftly down the track.

Warily, warily, warily, warily, my body’s out of whack.

That’s the tune I sang to myself — because I didn’t want to scare everyone else at the gym — as I rocked and rolled on a rowing machine under the expert guidance of my very own personal trainer.

I decided to go back to the gym ...Read more

No matter what I do, whether it’s good, bad or just plain stupid, my wife, Sue, has my back. And I have hers.

But lately, neither one of us has wanted to make the exchange. That’s because we both threw our backs out.

I injured mine while cleaning the bathroom, which is what I get for trying to be helpful around the house.

The irony was ...Read more

I have always believed that if you have an appointment with an eye doctor, you should show up late. When the doctor asks why you weren’t on time, you can say, “I couldn’t find you.”

This will let him or her see — with the aid of prescription glasses, because eye doctors invariably wear them — that you are in the right place and will...Read more

If you want something done, goes an old saying, do it yourself. Unless you’re me, in which case you not only have a lot to worry about but couldn’t finish a do-it-yourself project or write a self-help book without asking someone else (not me) for help.

This is especially true when it comes to self-checkouts.

“Are you ready to check out?�...Read more

As the very model of the modern medical marvel, I have survived an aortic aneurysm, a terrible bout of COVID-19 and, worst of all, a nasty paper cut.

Not to be outdone, my wife, Sue, lived through a heart attack, came down with COVID, too, and underwent painful hand surgery.

But we recently had to deal with the most daunting of medical ...Read more

Being a grandfather can be magical — as long as you don’t end up in jail.

That’s the lesson I learned recently when my wife, Sue, and I got together with our five grandchildren and their parents for a week in which I assisted in science experiments performed with a magic wand, was nearly bitten by a king cobra and trampled by a ...Read more

According to statistics that must be true or I wouldn’t have made them up, 87% of grandfathers couldn’t pass a third-grade math test.

This is shocking because it represents almost half the grandpa population.

Unfortunately, I am in this group because I recently got taken to school by my 8-year-old granddaughter, who is in third grade, has ...Read more

My orthodontist is a gem. That’s why he suggested I buy an ultrasonic retainer cleaner that my wife can wash her jewelry in.

I got retainers several years ago when I decided to go straight, not because I was a crooked jewel thief, but because two of my teeth were crooked and needed straightening.

I went to the Stony Brook University School ...Read more

When you get to be a certain age — in my case, old — you tend to run hot and cold, which not only is true but also rhymes.

The reason is that no matter what the temperature is inside or outside, it’s either too hot or too cold.

That is why my wife, Sue, called a technician named Joe to come over and fix the upstairs thermostat, which had...Read more

Since I am in the holiday spirit (and, having just consumed a mug of hot toddy, a glass of eggnog and a nip of cheer, the holiday spirits are in me), I have decided to follow in that great tradition of boring everyone silly by writing a Christmas letter.

That is why I am pleased as punch (which I also drank) to present the following chronicle ...Read more

Whenever I pull a prank, which generally involves my grandchildren, whose maturity level is way above mine, I think outside the box.

This is a wise strategy because I can’t fit inside the box. And even if I could, the air supply to my brain would be cut off and I’d be even more immature, which admittedly would make me a better prankster.

...Read more

When it comes to shaving, I’m two-faced. One face I have been scraping with a blade since I was a teenager more than five decades ago, the other I recently started buzzing with an electric razor.

Neither face will make me a Hollywood star unless I stop shaving altogether and get the lead role in a remake of “The Wolf Man.”

So I left it ...Read more